I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
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women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
yeah 😭
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe