Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
You Might Also Like
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels