Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
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12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Sharon I have some bad news
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”