Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
You Might Also Like
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.