Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
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[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou