Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
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CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Who called it baking and not making love
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
There is no try. There is only give up.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.