Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
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I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
No laws when master is gone
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?