Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
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If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.