Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
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WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
In banana years, I am bread.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.