I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
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Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.