I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
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Not today
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.