You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
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I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism