5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
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I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what鈥檚 up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I鈥檓 watering it to see if it鈥檒l grow into a bus.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them鈥擨鈥檝e lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he鈥檚 being personally challenged.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
EMOTICON GUIDE
馃檪 I’m happy
馃槈 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
馃檨 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Him: you鈥檇 look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I鈥檝e tried that and I just look blurry
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn鈥檛 sleep for 3 days
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.