*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.