I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
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Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”