Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
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The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him