Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
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ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*