My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
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Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Customer is always right
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁