If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
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I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.