Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
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Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.