I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
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When I can’t barge, I careen.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.