Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
You Might Also Like
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee