After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
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Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Body by sandwich.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]