I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
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Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne