stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
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I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
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