[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
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Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I drew y’all a little something.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online