Start the year as you intend to continue.
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wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Me trying to reach for my goals
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.