This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
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Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody