I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
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cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
sigh
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.