Death certificates are our last participation award.
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It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.