“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
You Might Also Like
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
dutch so unserious
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.