You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
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SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
just gave your address to some spiders
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right