I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
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My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu