why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
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We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it