I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
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Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave