Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
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Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.