The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
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me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.