friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
You Might Also Like
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
This is I, Robot all over again
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Follow me for more recipes
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk