The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
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I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
yeah no that’s fair
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human