I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
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Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Morning my dudes.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.