Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
some Old Testament wisdom
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs