trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
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Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.