Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
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my proudest tweet
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.