NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
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I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
kevin is now a local weatherman
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Living the best life.. 😊
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Saturday
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.