[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
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They’re stuck in your pants?
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I am yelling
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.