Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
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Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.