*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
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When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio