i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
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(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Wait a second…
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Well, this certainly took a turn
Previously On Persistence 😎
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone