“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
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why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
dude it’s called proctologist
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.