If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
You Might Also Like
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.